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Por Dan Liftman – NASA scientists announced Thursday that photos taken by the Cassini spacecraft have revealed the existence of an ocean the size of Lake Superior under the surface of Saturn’s moon Enceladus.  Shocked scientists were joined by anthropologists and linguists from across the globe to announce that they have also discovered a race of aquatic beings in the sea.

The creatures identified in Cassini photos appear to be humanoid, green in color and averaging six feet in length.  Dr. Venus Crosby, head of the Cassini mission, told the press, “We are truly astonished.  There appears to be a fully developed society beneath Enceladus’ surface.  These people – yes, I’d call them people – are leading normal lives – normal for them, anyway.”

Dr. Samuel Marston, an anthropologist from Boston University, who has been studying the creatures, said, “I’m amazed.  We’ve been searching for extraterrestrial life for decades, and we seem to have finally found it.  I never would have thought that humanoid beings could live under water.”  Most surprising of all, however, are the revelations by world renowned linguist, Dr. Dawn German-French.  “Based on what we’ve seen, the society on Enceladus is on a level with our own.”

As examples, German-French spoke of a sign she interpreted on a structure that appeared to be a restaurant (“Waterman’s specials today include fried octopus, broiled squid and linguini with clams and mussels.  Swim on in!”).  A sign on an apparent vehicle repair shop read “Avoid fishtailing in extra wet conditions.  Get your brakes done now.”  Yet another, on a motel, announced “Great rates.  Pool and cable TV.”

Crosby stated that scientists had also seen Enceladans playing football and baseball, enjoying boxing matches and engaged in paintball battles.  “In one area,” she said, “there appeared to be an Olympics of sorts going on, with people running, jumping and pole vaulting.  A very large crowd was enjoying the action and there were long lines at a stand that was offering “Beer and soft pretzels.”

Crosby then introduced Roger Statesman, a political science professor from UCLA, who announced the biggest surprise of all.  “Based on Dr. German-French’s analysis,” he said, “These people have a leader, a legislature and a court system.”  Statesman went on to point out that a building that looks much like the U.S. Supreme Court is frequented by Enceladans favoring or opposing decisions by judges.  “Let me smoke what I want,” read a sign carried by one.  A sign that probably refers to a debate over same sex marriage read “No homophobes in black robes.”  Another read simply “Rule on someone your own size!”

As proof of their political structure, Statesman said that , “We’ve seen gatherings of them in which they are waving signs that read ‘Impeach Amabo,’ ‘I don’t like Amabo care’ and  ‘Fix the mortgage mess.  My home is under water.’  Amabo is probably their president or prime minister.  I’m amazed at all the similarities between us and the Enceladans.”

Crosby closed out the press conference by announcing another mission to Enceladus and one to study Saturn’s moon Titan, another celestial body suspected of supporting life.  “The good news is we have found life on another planet, and they’re a lot like us,” she said.  “That’s also the bad news.”



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